Archive for the ‘Couples’ Category

Healthy Communication Tips

Posted by The Love Birds at 27 July , 2010

We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships. But what is healthy communication and how do you do it? First, we want to explain what communication is not. In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships. Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:

Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.
My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).
Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.
The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.

Do you recognize any of these? Do they sound familiar? If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship. Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:

First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk. For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work. If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.
Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope!
When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”. This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say “I felt _________ when you said or did___________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!”
If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person.
Make requests for change, not demands.
Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.
Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern. Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important.
When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you.
Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue/concern.
Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it! Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part.

Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.). Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument. Remember the saying, “Practice makes perfect”. If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment. We hope this helps!

Posted in: Couples , Healthy Communication , Relationship Health , Relationships | No Comments »

Sex-Defeating Thoughts: 5 Steps to Conquer Them!

Posted by The Love Birds at 7 June , 2010

As Clinical Sexologists, we have heard quite a few sex-defeating thoughts from couples over the years. We have heard everything from “My partner should just know how to please me” to “Sex should always happen spontaneously” and everything in between. Sex-defeating thoughts can come from anywhere (i.e. from your childhood, religion, past sexual experiences, etc.) and can really affect your sexuality. Remember, your thoughts cause your feelings and behaviors. Thus, if you have sex-defeating thoughts, then you will have negative feelings about sex which will, of course, impact your sexual behavior.

So, what can you do about it? Well, you can certainly ignore them or hope they will go away on their own. Or you can choose to keep them, especially if you feel they are not creating problems for you. But if they are creating problems for you, then you can choose to change them. Here are 5 steps (the 5 R’s) to help you conquer sex-defeating thoughts:

Recognize – First, you need to become aware of your thoughts about sex. As you think about sex or being sexual, simply allow your thoughts to surface and then, write them all down.
Review – Next, go through your list of thoughts and decide which ones are negative and sex-defeating. To help you decide, ask yourself, “Does this thought help me feel positively about sex or does it create negative feelings about sex?” and “Is this thought based on fact or is it an assumption?” If the thought is creating negative feelings about sex, is causing a problem for you or is based on an assumption, then it is sex-defeating.
Replace – Third, challenge the sex-defeating thoughts and replace it with sex-positive thoughts that help you with your sexual goals/vision.
Repetition– Next, say the new sex-positive thoughts to yourself daily (often and consistently).
Relay – Lastly, it may be helpful to talk to your partner about this process. Or better yet, do this exercise with your partner. Your partner may be able to help you recognize and challenge the sex-defeating thoughts.

If you need help with this process, please feel free to contact us. As always, wishing you more passion and connection in your relationship!

Posted in: Couples , Desire , Passion , Sexuality | No Comments »

Healthy Sexuality in Relationships: Top 5 Barriers to Avoid!

Posted by The Love Birds at 23 May , 2010

Having negative/self-defeating thoughts about sex – These negative/self-defeating thoughts can come from anywhere (i.e. from your childhood, religion, past sexual experiences, etc.) and can really affect your sexuality. Remember, your thoughts cause your feelings and behaviors. Thus, if you have negative thoughts about sex, you will have negative feelings about sex which will impact your sexual behavior.
Focusing solely on performance and functioning – Too often, too much focus and emphasis is placed on sexual performance (such as “Am I doing this right?” or “Is this how it’s supposed to be done?”) and functioning (such as “I must have an erection every time.”, “I must make this last a long time.”, and “An orgasm has to happen every single time.”). This can create undue pressure which can then, cause problems in your sexuality. Remember, our bodies are not perfect and will not work perfectly all the time and in every situation. Thus, expecting perfection in our sexual performance and functioning will only lead to frustration and disappointment (see number 1 above). Instead, focus on the joy, fun and pleasure of sex.
Not owning your sexuality - It’s so easy to make your partner responsible for your sexuality. However, the truth is, YOU are responsible for your sexuality. You are responsible for whether or not you have an orgasm. It’s your responsibility to know your body and what feels good to you along with your sexual desires. It’s also your responsibility to share your desires with your partner. Making your partner responsible for your sexuality or even blaming your partner for sexual issues can create major problems in your relationship.
Not talking to your partner about sex – We are always amazed at how many people are comfortable having sex (in fact, lots of sex) but are uncomfortable talking about sex in this country. It’s like there is an unspoken rule: “Do it but don’t talk about it”. If you can’t comfortably and openly talk to your partner about sex, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
Not making sex a priority – Sadly, with many couples, sex is not a priority. Even worse, the relationship itself is not even a priority. Our favorite quote sums it up: “Where the attention goes, the energy flows”. If you want a healthy sex life in your relationship, then put more attention and focus into it. Make it a priority!

Posted in: Couples , Desire , Passion , Sexuality | No Comments »

What Beliefs Are You Confirming?

Posted by The Love Birds at 6 April , 2010

Has this ever happened to you? You wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “This is not going to be a good day”. Then, throughout the day, you see tons of reasons why you should have never left your bed in the first place! If so, it’s because of a phenomenon called confirmation bias (a term that’s discussed in many Psychology classes). It means we have the tendency to look for evidence to confirm our beliefs about things, instead of looking for contrary evidence to test our beliefs.

Using the example above, we woke up with the belief that the day would not be good and noticed all the evidence that confirmed our belief about the day. There may have been several situations that have disconfirmed our belief, but we simply overlook or ignore them. This bias can impact many areas of our life including our relationships. Just think about it. For instance, if you believe your partner is lazy and uncaring, then you will have the tendency to notice and focus only on the situations that prove your belief (“See, he/she is really lazy and uncaring!”). You do this instead of checking to see if your belief is false. So, based on this concept, here’s our relationship challenge for the month:

First, become aware of any negative beliefs you have about your partner.
Then, challenge yourself (really challenge yourself!) to look for evidence or proof that disproves or contradicts your negative beliefs. This helps you test your beliefs about your partner.
Finally, when you find proof that disproves your beliefs, let them know you noticed the good stuff they are doing! Acknowledge and thank them.
If you have difficulty with this challenge or feel your negative beliefs about your partner are true and you need help, please feel free to contact us.

Wishing you more connection and passion! Please feel free to contact us with topics you would like us to address.

Many blessings!

Posted in: Couples , Relationship Health , Relationships | No Comments »