Archive for the ‘Healthy Communication’ Category
Posted by The Love Birds at 27 July , 2010
We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships. But what is healthy communication and how do you do it? First, we want to explain what communication is not. In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships. Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:
-
Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.
-
My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).
-
Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
-
Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
-
It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.
-
The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.
Do you recognize any of these? Do they sound familiar? If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship. Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:
-
First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk. For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work. If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.
-
Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope!
-
When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”. This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say “I felt _________ when you said or did___________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!”
-
If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person.
-
Make requests for change, not demands.
-
Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.
-
Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern. Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important.
-
When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you.
-
Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue/concern.
-
Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it! Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part.
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.). Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument. Remember the saying, “Practice makes perfect”. If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment. We hope this helps!
Posted in: Couples , Healthy Communication , Relationship Health , Relationships | No Comments »
Posted by The Love Birds at 4 October , 2009
We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships. But what is healthy communication and how do you do it? First, we want to explain what communication is not. In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships. Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:
-
Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.
-
My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).
-
Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
-
Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
-
It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.
-
The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.
Do you recognize any of these? Do they sound familiar? If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship. Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:
-
First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk. For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work. If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.
-
Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope!
-
When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”. This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say “I felt _________ when you said or did___________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!”
-
If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person.
-
Make requests for change, not demands.
-
Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.
-
Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern. Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important.
-
When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you.
-
Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue/concern.
-
Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it! Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part.
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.). Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument. Remember the saying, “Practice makes perfect”. If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment. We hope this helps!
Tags: Healthy Communication, Relationships
Posted in: Couples , Healthy Communication , Love , Relationship Health , Relationships | No Comments »
|
|
