Posted by The Love Birds at 1 February , 2010

This month is all about love.  Valentine’s Day is coming up and love is in the air!   We aren’t opposed to Valentine’s Day but we certainly hope that you are showing your partner love all year long…every day…not just when the stores and advertisements say you should.   We recommend you get started now, instead of waiting until the 14th.  Here are some tips that can show your partner that love is indeed in the air:

1. Know your partner’s love language.  If you don’t know it or know what we are talking about, then we recommend the book, The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman.  Dr. Chapman explains that there are five love languages or ways to show love:  words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service.  Problems can occur when we show our partner love in one language (i.e. buying her flowers) but he/she speaks another love language (i.e. wanting to spend quality time with you instead). 

2. Start secretly showing love for your partner in small ways every single day using their love language.  Have fun trying to think of new ways to express your love.  For some ideas, see # 3.

3. Remember, expressing love for your partner does not have to cost money!  Write your partner love notes and hide them (of course, where you know they will find them).  Give your partner lots of hugs and kisses when they first wake up, when they get home, and before they go to sleep.  Tell your partner the many reasons why you love them.  Write them a love letter or poem. Do one of their chores each day, etc.

4. Plan a surprise “pleasure event” every week for your partner.  For example, how about surprising your partner with a bubble bath with rose petals, candles, soft music, and a glass of wine?  Or maybe cooking a nice dinner for your partner and serving it to him/her naked or in sexy lingerie?  Plan a romantic picnic on the living room floor while listening to your special love songs or reading erotic stories to each other.  How about surprising your partner by trying something new sexually (i.e. a new toy, a new position or a new sexual fantasy character, etc.)?

5. Remember to be thankful for your partner every day!

Wishing you more connection and much love!

Tags: Couples, Relationship Health, Relationships
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Posted by The Love Birds at 9 November , 2009

This month we celebrate Thanksgiving.  This is a time for us to stop and give thanks for all our blessings.  What a great time to also give thanks to your partner for all the blessings he/she brings to your life.  So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, we have compiled a small list of ways to show gratitude and appreciation to your partner:

1. Tell your partner that you love and appreciate them every morning when you wake up. 
2. Make a list of 10 things that you appreciate about your partner and give it to them.
3. Make a list of romantic things to say to your partner and say them throughout the month.
4. Write your partner a thank you/love letter.
5. Write love notes to your partner and hide them around your house.
6. Give your partner a thank you massage.
7. Give your partner an inexpensive gift of appreciation everyday (ie. a single flower, etc.).
8. Plan a romantic “thank you” picnic for your partner at home.
9. Help your partner by doing some of his/her chores.
10. Surprise your partner with a “pleasure event” planned just for him/her.

These are just a few ways to give thanks and show appreciation to your partner.  We encourage you to continue adding to this list with your own ways of giving thanks.  Our hope and recommendation is that you not only give thanks to your partner this month but that you express your appreciation and gratitude to him/her everyday.   We wish you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Enjoy!

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Posted by The Love Birds at 4 October , 2009

We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships.  But what is healthy communication and how do you do it?  First, we want to explain what communication is not.  In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships.  Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:

1. Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.

2. My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).

3. Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.

4. Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.

5. It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.

6. The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.

Do you recognize any of these?  Do they sound familiar?  If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship.  Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:

1. First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk.  For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work.  If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.

2. Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time.   Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue.  Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope!

3. When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”.  This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive.  For example, say “I felt _________ when you said or did___________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!”

4. If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic.  Please do not attack them as a person. 

5. Make requests for change, not demands.

6. Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.

7. Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern.  Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important.

8. When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings.  Thus, there is no need to get defensive.  They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you.

9. Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue/concern.

10. Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it!  Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part.

  
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.).  Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument.  Remember the saying, “Practice makes perfect”.  If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment.  We hope this helps!

Tags: Healthy Communication, Relationships
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