Posted by The Love Birds at 27 July , 2010

We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships.  But what is healthy communication and how do you do it?  First, we want to explain what communication is not.  In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships.  Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:

1. Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.

2. My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).

3. Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.

4. Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.

5. It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.

6. The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.

Do you recognize any of these?  Do they sound familiar?  If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship.  Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:

1. First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk.  For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work.  If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.

2. Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time.   Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue.  Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope!

3. When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”.  This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive.  For example, say “I felt _________ when you said or did___________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!”

4. If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic.  Please do not attack them as a person. 

5. Make requests for change, not demands.

6. Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.

7. Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern.  Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important.

8. When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings.  Thus, there is no need to get defensive.  They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you.

9. Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue/concern.

10. Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it!  Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part.

  
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.).  Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument.  Remember the saying, “Practice makes perfect”.  If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment.  We hope this helps!

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Posted by The Love Birds at 6 April , 2010

Has this ever happened to you?  You wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “This is not going to be a good day”.  Then, throughout the day, you see tons of reasons why you should have never left your bed in the first place!   If so, it’s because of a phenomenon called confirmation bias (a term that’s discussed in many Psychology classes).  It means we have the tendency to look for evidence to confirm our beliefs about things, instead of looking for contrary evidence to test our beliefs.

 

Using the example above, we woke up with the belief that the day would not be good and noticed all the evidence that confirmed our belief about the day.   There may have been several situations that have disconfirmed our belief, but we simply overlook or ignore them.  This bias can impact many areas of our life including our relationships.  Just think about it.  For instance, if you believe your partner is lazy and uncaring, then you will have the tendency to notice and focus only on the situations that prove your belief (“See, he/she is really lazy and uncaring!”).  You do this instead of checking to see if your belief is false.  So, based on this concept, here’s our relationship challenge for the month: 

 

1. First, become aware of any negative beliefs you have about your partner.
2. Then, challenge yourself (really challenge yourself!) to look for evidence or proof that disproves or contradicts your negative beliefs. This helps you test your beliefs about your partner. 
3. Finally, when you find proof that disproves your beliefs, let them know you noticed the good stuff they are doing!  Acknowledge and thank them.
4. If you have difficulty with this challenge or feel your negative beliefs about your partner are true and you need help, please feel free to contact us.

 

Wishing you more connection and passion!  Please feel free to contact us with topics you would like us to address.

 

Many blessings! 

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Posted by The Love Birds at 3 February , 2010

We have already learned so much about the bonds of love … Hundreds of studies tell us, for example, that love is an exquisitely logical survival code and that the ability to reach out, clearly state your emotional needs and respond to your lover’s emotional need for comfort, reassurance and connection is the key ingredient in love. … -once we understand the bonds of love, then we can actively shape these bonds in a way that is new for human lovers. We can have love that lasts a lifetime.     ~ Sue Johnson The Hold Me Tight™ Program Conversations for Connection – A Relationship Education Group for Couples Based on the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love By: Dr. Sue Johnson www.holdmetight.com

Who:    Couples interested in understanding and strengthening their intimate relationship. What:    An 8 session educational program based on the theory and practice of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. The first session focuses on the new science of love and what it teaches us. The next 7 sessions focus on helping couples shape and use the seven conversations laid out in the book Hold Me Tight. Two experienced clinicians (husband and wife team) will facilitate the group using presentations, video clips and in class exercises. Homework exercises will be offered . Each couple will need to obtain a copy of the book. This is not a therapy group. When:   8 Fridays, beginning March 5, 2010 and ending April 23, 2010, from  5:30 to 7 p.m. Where: Alafia Oaks Professional Park, 150 E. Bloomingdale Ave., Brandon, Florida Cost:     $640 per couple.  Registrants must commit to all 8 sessions.  **** Contact us at 813-769-9039 to register!   Space is limited!

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Posted by The Love Birds at 9 November , 2009

This month we celebrate Thanksgiving.  This is a time for us to stop and give thanks for all our blessings.  What a great time to also give thanks to your partner for all the blessings he/she brings to your life.  So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, we have compiled a small list of ways to show gratitude and appreciation to your partner:

1. Tell your partner that you love and appreciate them every morning when you wake up. 
2. Make a list of 10 things that you appreciate about your partner and give it to them.
3. Make a list of romantic things to say to your partner and say them throughout the month.
4. Write your partner a thank you/love letter.
5. Write love notes to your partner and hide them around your house.
6. Give your partner a thank you massage.
7. Give your partner an inexpensive gift of appreciation everyday (ie. a single flower, etc.).
8. Plan a romantic “thank you” picnic for your partner at home.
9. Help your partner by doing some of his/her chores.
10. Surprise your partner with a “pleasure event” planned just for him/her.

These are just a few ways to give thanks and show appreciation to your partner.  We encourage you to continue adding to this list with your own ways of giving thanks.  Our hope and recommendation is that you not only give thanks to your partner this month but that you express your appreciation and gratitude to him/her everyday.   We wish you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Enjoy!

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Posted by The Love Birds at 4 October , 2009

We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships.  But what is healthy communication and how do you do it?  First, we want to explain what communication is not.  In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships.  Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:

1. Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.

2. My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).

3. Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.

4. Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.

5. It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.

6. The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.

Do you recognize any of these?  Do they sound familiar?  If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship.  Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:

1. First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk.  For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work.  If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.

2. Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time.   Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue.  Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope!

3. When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”.  This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive.  For example, say “I felt _________ when you said or did___________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!”

4. If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic.  Please do not attack them as a person. 

5. Make requests for change, not demands.

6. Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.

7. Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern.  Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important.

8. When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings.  Thus, there is no need to get defensive.  They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you.

9. Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue/concern.

10. Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it!  Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part.

  
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.).  Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument.  Remember the saying, “Practice makes perfect”.  If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment.  We hope this helps!

Tags: Healthy Communication, Relationships
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Posted by The Love Birds at 2 June , 2009

In May, Dr. Wayne Dyer launched his new book, Excuses Begone! How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits. This is a wonderful book about how your excuses hold you back from living the kind of life you want to live. “It’s too risky.” “I’m too busy.” “I can’t afford it.” “All excuses are misalignments,” Wayne says. “You can indeed change anything about yourself. Don’t underestimate your own personal ability to make just that happen.”

How does this relate to relationships? Well, unfortunately, everyday we hear all kinds of excuses from couples that are preventing them from reaching their relationship goals. This is so sad because the majority of these couples have the desire and ability to change but get stopped short by their excuses and negative thinking. Thus, in honor of Dr. Dyer’s new book, we decided to share with you the top 5 relationship excuses we hear so often from couples.

1. “We are too busy.” or “We don’t have enough time.” We hear this too often. We act and behave based on our values, thus what they are really saying is, “We are choosing to make other things (kids, work, etc.) a priority”. This could be one of the factors for such a high divorce rate.
2. “We are too tired.” This is definitely related with number 1. Today, people are so busy with everything else; they are not slowing down long enough to recharge their own batteries, so to speak. How can you give to anyone or anything, including your relationship, if you are not giving to yourself? This goes back to a saying discussed by Dr. Dyer, “You can’t give what you don’t have.”
3. “You shouldn’t have to work on relationships.” In fairytales maybe, but in real life, relationships do take effort and work. We would like to know who came up with this excuse. What in life does not take work and even effort to maintain? We work on and maintain our cars, houses, yards, etc. A relationship requires attention and effort on a daily basis. This relationship “work” however, doesn’t have to be bad or even hard.
4. “Why bother, he/she won’t change.” This excuse is putting all the power and responsibility on the other partner to change. Change can and does begin with you. Start focusing on the changes you need to make in the relationship. Sometimes when you make healthy relationship changes, it can help motivate your partner to make healthy relationship changes too.
5. “We don’t have the money.” We often hear this when people first call for information about our counseling/coaching services. Yes, we understand the economy and the increased concerns and worries about finances. However, what is the cost emotionally and financially of breaking up a relationship? Or the cost of a divorce, emotionally and financially? Change can happen by reading a relationship book, attending relationship workshops, or even attending counseling sessions. Thus, relationship change doesn’t have to break the bank.

What excuses are currently holding you back from having the kind of relationship you want to have? If you need help challenging these excuses, please feel free to contact us. As always, wishing you deeper connection and passion!

Tags: Relationship Health, Relationships
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