Posted by The Love Birds at 7 June , 2010

As Clinical Sexologists, we have heard quite a few sex-defeating thoughts from couples over the years.  We have heard everything from “My partner should just know how to please me” to “Sex should always happen spontaneously” and everything in between.   Sex-defeating thoughts can come from anywhere (i.e. from your childhood, religion, past sexual experiences, etc.) and can really affect your sexuality.  Remember, your thoughts cause your feelings and behaviors.  Thus, if you have sex-defeating thoughts, then you will have negative feelings about sex which will, of course, impact your sexual behavior.   

So, what can you do about it?  Well, you can certainly ignore them or hope they will go away on their own.  Or you can choose to keep them, especially if you feel they are not creating problems for you.  But if they are creating problems for you, then you can choose to change them.  Here are 5 steps (the 5 R’s) to help you conquer sex-defeating thoughts:

1. Recognize – First, you need to become aware of your thoughts about sex.  As you think about sex or being sexual, simply allow your thoughts to surface and then, write them all down. 
2. Review – Next, go through your list of thoughts and decide which ones are negative and sex-defeating.  To help you decide, ask yourself, “Does this thought help me feel positively about sex or does it create negative feelings about sex?” and “Is this thought based on fact or is it an assumption?”  If the thought is creating negative feelings about sex, is causing a problem for you or is based on an assumption, then it is sex-defeating.
3. Replace – Third, challenge the sex-defeating thoughts and replace it with sex-positive thoughts that help you with your sexual goals/vision.
4. Repetition– Next, say the new sex-positive thoughts to yourself daily (often and consistently).
5. Relay – Lastly, it may be helpful to talk to your partner about this process.  Or better yet, do this exercise with your partner.  Your partner may be able to help you recognize and challenge the sex-defeating thoughts.   

 

If you need help with this process, please feel free to contact us.  As always, wishing you more passion and connection in your relationship!

Posted in: Couples , Desire , Passion , Sexuality