Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’
Posted by The Love Birds at 1 February , 2010
This month is all about love. Valentine’s Day is coming up and love is in the air! We aren’t opposed to Valentine’s Day but we certainly hope that you are showing your partner love all year long…every day…not just when the stores and advertisements say you should. We recommend you get started now, instead of waiting until the 14th. Here are some tips that can show your partner that love is indeed in the air:
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Know your partner’s love language. If you don’t know it or know what we are talking about, then we recommend the book, The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman explains that there are five love languages or ways to show love: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. Problems can occur when we show our partner love in one language (i.e. buying her flowers) but he/she speaks another love language (i.e. wanting to spend quality time with you instead).
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Start secretly showing love for your partner in small ways every single day using their love language. Have fun trying to think of new ways to express your love. For some ideas, see # 3.
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Remember, expressing love for your partner does not have to cost money! Write your partner love notes and hide them (of course, where you know they will find them). Give your partner lots of hugs and kisses when they first wake up, when they get home, and before they go to sleep. Tell your partner the many reasons why you love them. Write them a love letter or poem. Do one of their chores each day, etc.
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Plan a surprise “pleasure event” every week for your partner. For example, how about surprising your partner with a bubble bath with rose petals, candles, soft music, and a glass of wine? Or maybe cooking a nice dinner for your partner and serving it to him/her naked or in sexy lingerie? Plan a romantic picnic on the living room floor while listening to your special love songs or reading erotic stories to each other. How about surprising your partner by trying something new sexually (i.e. a new toy, a new position or a new sexual fantasy character, etc.)?
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Remember to be thankful for your partner every day!
Wishing you more connection and much love!
Tags: Couples, Relationship Health, Relationships
Posted in: Couples , Love , Passion , Relationships | No Comments »
Posted by The Love Birds at 4 October , 2009
We often hear people talk about the importance of healthy communication in relationships. But what is healthy communication and how do you do it? First, we want to explain what communication is not. In our work with couples, we hear many assumptions and beliefs about communication that are unhealthy barriers to deeper connection and intimacy in relationships. Here are just a few of the unhealthy assumptions we often hear:
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Agreement = good communication and disagreement = bad communication.
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My partner would agree if he/she would JUST listen (better).
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Yelling, or raising my voice, will make my partner listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
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Name calling or use of threats is the ONLY WAY to make my partner take notice of me and listen (better) which will then help them understand and agree with me.
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It is better to not talk about difficult things with my partner so we won’t disagree and cause conflict.
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The concerns or problems I have will just go away on their own.
Do you recognize any of these? Do they sound familiar? If you or your partner has any of these assumptions, then now is the time to challenge those beliefs and do something different that will benefit your relationship. Here are some healthy basic communication tips you can start using today:
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First, before you jump right into a discussion, we recommend that you check in with your partner to see if it’s a good time to talk. For example, it is typically not a good idea to bring up issues when your partner first walks in the door from work. If it is not a good time, then schedule the time to talk.
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Focus on ONE issue or concern at a time. Often people start with one issue and then start adding in other issues including things from the past that are sometimes not even related to the main issue. Be careful and mindful of this…it’s a very slippery slope!
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When bringing up an issue or concern to your partner, use “I statements”. This allows you to own your feelings and decreases the chance of your partner becoming defensive. For example, say “I felt _________ when you said or did___________.”; instead of “YOU made me so (angry, sad, etc)!”
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If the issue or concern has to do with your partner, focus on their behavior that is problematic. Please do not attack them as a person.
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Make requests for change, not demands.
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Try to discuss issues and concerns as they come up or in a timely manner instead of bottling them up and using them for an attack later.
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Remember that everyone has their own beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and “truths” regarding an issue or concern. Thus, when listening to your partner, get curious about their “truth” instead of trying to convince them that your “truth” is more “true” or important.
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When listening to your partner, remind yourself that you did not (and cannot ever) cause your partner’s feelings. Thus, there is no need to get defensive. They are just revealing and expressing their perceptions, feelings and “truths” to you.
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Ask questions, if needed, to help you understand your partner’s perception of the issue/concern.
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Then once you understand, sum it up and let them know you got it! Remember, understanding their perception and “truth” does NOT mean agreement on your part.
Practice using these tips on daily basis with neutral conversations (i.e. your day at work, your dreams in life, etc.). Please do not wait to try them out during your next argument. Remember the saying, “Practice makes perfect”. If you find you need help with these communication skills, please feel free to contact us to schedule an appointment. We hope this helps!
Tags: Healthy Communication, Relationships
Posted in: Couples , Healthy Communication , Love , Relationship Health , Relationships | No Comments »
Posted by The Love Birds at 7 July , 2009
Click here to listen to this article (3 minutes, 9 seconds).
Last month, our article was 5 Tips to Ignite Passion in your relationship. Each tip offered just a sample but could be a full course meal, so to speak, all by itself. Thus, over the next few months, we will be covering each of these tips in more detail. This month we are focusing on ways to seduce and flirt with your partner daily (not just when you want to have sex).
But first, lets define the words seduce and flirt. To seduce means to entice, tempt or persuade someone into a desired state of being. (Sounds like fun, huh?) And flirt is defined as a casual, playful romance. (We like that too!) Now, why is it that flirtation and seduction seems so effortless at the beginning of the relationship but as time goes on…they are only done as a prelude to having sex?
For some people, seduction and flirtation is an art and is considered equal to, if not better than, sex. So, this month’s challenge is for you to seduce and flirt with your partner more often…more specifically, every day. Here are 5 ways to help you get started:
1. First, you’ve got to get yourself into the seducing/flirting mindset. . Your view of yourself is going to have a major impact on your behavior. So, start thinking of yourself as the “Seductive Temptress” or “Don Juan.” Play with this role and have fun!
2. Think back to the early days of your relationship, when you were dating and courting each other. How did you let your partner know you were into him/her? How did you behave? Make a list of these behaviors and start doing them again!
3. Tempt your partner by dressing the part. Don Juan or the Seductive Temptress is not going to be wearing sweat pants, t-shirts, and flip flops, etc. on a date. So, next time you are out with your partner (or are having a special night at home), dress in a way that sends the message, “I want you to be attracted to me”.
4. Entice your partner nonverbally. Convey your sexy thoughts of your partner with your body language. For example, try to communicate “I want you” with your eyes only. Gently rub your partner’s arm or lightly touch their face.
5. Don’t just think it…say it. Tell your partner your sexy thoughts about them. Let them know what’s on your mind. Give them real, not generic, compliments. For example, instead of saying, “You have a nice smile”, tell him/her why and what you specifically like about his/her lips.
Remember, have fun and enjoy! As always, wishing you more connection and passion! Please feel free to contact us with topics you would like us to address.
Many blessings!
Tags: Couples, Desire, flirt, Relationships, seduce, sex, Sexuality
Posted in: Desire , Passion , Relationships | No Comments »
Posted by The Love Birds at 2 June , 2009
In May, Dr. Wayne Dyer launched his new book, Excuses Begone! How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits. This is a wonderful book about how your excuses hold you back from living the kind of life you want to live. “It’s too risky.” “I’m too busy.” “I can’t afford it.” “All excuses are misalignments,” Wayne says. “You can indeed change anything about yourself. Don’t underestimate your own personal ability to make just that happen.”
How does this relate to relationships? Well, unfortunately, everyday we hear all kinds of excuses from couples that are preventing them from reaching their relationship goals. This is so sad because the majority of these couples have the desire and ability to change but get stopped short by their excuses and negative thinking. Thus, in honor of Dr. Dyer’s new book, we decided to share with you the top 5 relationship excuses we hear so often from couples.
1. “We are too busy.” or “We don’t have enough time.” We hear this too often. We act and behave based on our values, thus what they are really saying is, “We are choosing to make other things (kids, work, etc.) a priority”. This could be one of the factors for such a high divorce rate.
2. “We are too tired.” This is definitely related with number 1. Today, people are so busy with everything else; they are not slowing down long enough to recharge their own batteries, so to speak. How can you give to anyone or anything, including your relationship, if you are not giving to yourself? This goes back to a saying discussed by Dr. Dyer, “You can’t give what you don’t have.”
3. “You shouldn’t have to work on relationships.” In fairytales maybe, but in real life, relationships do take effort and work. We would like to know who came up with this excuse. What in life does not take work and even effort to maintain? We work on and maintain our cars, houses, yards, etc. A relationship requires attention and effort on a daily basis. This relationship “work” however, doesn’t have to be bad or even hard.
4. “Why bother, he/she won’t change.” This excuse is putting all the power and responsibility on the other partner to change. Change can and does begin with you. Start focusing on the changes you need to make in the relationship. Sometimes when you make healthy relationship changes, it can help motivate your partner to make healthy relationship changes too.
5. “We don’t have the money.” We often hear this when people first call for information about our counseling/coaching services. Yes, we understand the economy and the increased concerns and worries about finances. However, what is the cost emotionally and financially of breaking up a relationship? Or the cost of a divorce, emotionally and financially? Change can happen by reading a relationship book, attending relationship workshops, or even attending counseling sessions. Thus, relationship change doesn’t have to break the bank.
What excuses are currently holding you back from having the kind of relationship you want to have? If you need help challenging these excuses, please feel free to contact us. As always, wishing you deeper connection and passion!
Tags: Relationship Health, Relationships
Posted in: Couples , Relationship Health , Relationships | No Comments »
Posted by The Love Birds at 11 April , 2009
Has this ever happened to you? You wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “This is not going to be a good day”. Then, throughout the day, you see tons of reasons why you should have never left your bed in the first place! If so, it’s because of a phenomenon called confirmation bias (a term that’s discussed in many Psychology classes). It means we have the tendency to look for evidence to confirm our beliefs about things, instead of looking for contrary evidence to test our beliefs.
Using the example above, we woke up with the belief that the day would not be good and noticed all the evidence that confirmed our belief about the day. There may have been several situations that have disconfirmed our belief, but we simply overlook or ignore them. This bias can impact many areas of our life including our relationships. Just think about it. For instance, if you believe your partner is lazy and uncaring, then you will have the tendency to notice and focus only on the situations that prove your belief (“See, he/she is really lazy and uncaring!”). You do this instead of checking to see if your belief is false. So, based on this concept, here’s our relationship challenge for the month:
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First, become aware of any negative beliefs you have about your partner.
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Then, challenge yourself (really challenge yourself!) to look for evidence or proof that disproves or contradicts your negative beliefs. This helps you test your beliefs about your partner.
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Finally, when you find proof that disproves your beliefs, let them know you noticed the good stuff they are doing! Acknowledge and thank them.
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If you have difficulty with this challenge or feel your negative beliefs about your partner are true and you need help, please feel free to contact us.
Wishing you more connection and passion! Please feel free to contact us with topics you would like us to address.
Many blessings!
Tags: Passion, Relationships
Posted in: Relationship Health | No Comments »
Posted by The Love Birds at 15 March , 2009
Wow…we can’t believe it’s already March! Time truly does fly when you’re having fun. February was a very busy but truly fun month for us. In fact, just this past weekend, we had a lot of fun at the 8 on Your Side Health and Fitness Expo. We had the privilege of having a booth at the expo to promote something very near and dear to our hearts…relationship health (which we feel is right up there on the importance scale with one’s physical health!).
We were amazed as we watched people walk by our booth. There were so many people who are serious about their physical health and fitness…in other words, running and cycling are not just a hobby or a “have to” to them. They were actually interested and excited about exercising (like we would act at a chocolate, relationship, and/or sexuality expo)! We even learned that many of the people who came to the expo actually came from out of town to run in the Gasparilla Distance Classic 15K and 5K races! Wow!! We learned so much from being there and many of the lessons can actually be applied to relationships:
1. It takes a lot of focus and hard work
We definitely learned that this “working out” thing takes a lot of focus and hard work! The amount of hours and training that is involved..wow! And hopefully there is no surprise here…so does a relationship. It takes focus and conscious effort to work on and nurture a healthy relationship over time.
2. Persistence, dedication, and commitment pays off
We learned this from the many runners who ran in the Gasparilla races. We’re sure that lots of runners had many thoughts of quitting and giving up throughout the race, but they didn’t. They remained committed to the process and chose to forge on. This can also apply to relationships as well. When things get difficult in your relationship, do you quit or do you remain committed to working things out even if it means seeking help from a professional? The key here is that both people need to be willing and able to make individual changes to work on the relationship. (However, we definitely understand and agree that there are situations when it is actually healthier to leave an unhealthy relationship.)
3. It helps to have good equipment and supplies (“tools in your relationship tool bag”)
We saw many vendors selling exercise shoes, clothing and equipment such as the T-Roller (www.T-Roller.com) to help the athletes perform at their best. It is just as important to have healthy tools in your relationship tool bag. The tools include but are not limited to healthy communication skills, relationship empowerment tools, books, relationship coaches and counselors, and other resources to help you perform at your relational best.
4. Having a support system
Just like with exercising, it’s important to have a support system for the relationship. You and your partner are each other’s support system. You’re a team that is, hopefully, working on the same relationship goals. Since we know change is difficult, support and lots of positive reinforcement is very important. This also means being willing to seek outside support from a professional when needed.
Again, we believe that focusing on your relationship health is just as important as your personal health. Thus, this month we challenge you, if you have not already started, to start making your relationship health a priority. We wish you more connection and much love. Please feel free to contact us with topics you would like us to address.
Many blessings!
Tags: Relationship Health, Relationships
Posted in: Relationship Health | No Comments »
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